Sleep Training.. (sorta)

It has been two weeks since my last blog post, which is better than the months I went MIA. But in that two weeks, I have began the start of a “sleep training” trial I should say. Kj is reaching 6 months old. She has been in her own room and crib since I went back to work at 12 weeks. Recently, she is beginning to fight others, such as her dad and grandma’s during nap time while I am at work. Mostly because she just wants to nurse to sleep or wants to sleep with my boob in her mouth..

Maybe it is because she is reaching that age where she sees herself as her own person and realizes I am something different and she wants me when I am not around. But regardless, it would be easier if she were able to put herself to sleep, in her crib or sleep space, and not put up a fight for those caring for her.

I knew sleep training was going to be hard. I knew it was going to take time and dedication. I am not the “cry it out” sort of mom, but I wanted to go forward with a method of soothing her at crib side and encouraging her to fall asleep on her own without me there. And I knew it was going to take all of our tribe to get it done.

What I didn’t necessarily bank on, was that the second I started, she was going to start another teething/I need my mommy phase.

When I went back to work, I struggled with massive anxiety. If I’m being honest, I still do. I think I cover it well on most days, at least to my fiancé and family. But I am also equally upfront with how I feel when I am at work. It wasn’t the idea of leaving her alone with someone else that caused this. That went away after the first couple of days.

What really caused my increase in anxiety was how terrible Kj would be for others, especially in the evening when she was ready for bath, bed, and her mom. I didn’t think the 12 hour shifts were going to be that terrible. But it is the added 2 hours of commute time as well as my arriving at home at her bedtime that is making it so difficult.

Kj would cry and fuss and not be content with anything anyone would do for her following about 4 or 5 pm in the evening. And I didn’t arrive home until about 7:30 or 8 pm on a good night. My entire drive was me fighting myself from jumping on the security cameras to see if she was crying or just trying not to cry myself. Or even just filled with that feeling of anxiety in the pit of your stomach. And most days, this was taking up time in those last couple hours at work as well.

But eventually Kj got better. She hit a good couple week stretch where she wasn’t terrible for her dad or grandmas, and I was feeling better at work. But then a couple days before she turned 5 months old, she cut two teeth at the same time. And it felt like we fell back into her being extremely fussy in the evenings. And I was back to second guessing quitting my job LOL!

But again, we moved past that, and she was doing great! Not perfect, but definitely better. And I saw a post online about sleep training. About getting your baby sleeping through the night, and most importantly, taking naps that are between 1 and 2 hours long. Where Kj was still only taking 20 to 30 minute naps at most.

And I thought I could do it.

Right about 2 weeks ago, I made the commitment to cutting out nursing to sleep at naps and bedtime. I did my best to nurse her with the lights on or before going into her room. Making sure that if she started to fall asleep, I would remove myself and replace with a paci. Trying to lay her in her bed while she was still semi awake. I shushed her and patted her butt and would leave and return if she got fussy and repeated the whole process.

The first 2 to 3 nights/days, she did great! The first full day of naps with this process shocked me. She only took about 10-15 minutes of “in and out’s” to get her to doze off on her own while chewing or sucking on her paci. And she slept for an hour and a half! That first nap had me shocked. She had never slept that long. The second one that day lasted for about an hour. And the third was about 45 minutes. But all in all I was so impressed by her!

And then I returned to work.

Kj started possibly cutting another tooth. Running a low grade fever, and just being so fussy and not wanting anyone but me. Crying again until I got home. Not fully soothing down for anyone. And my anxiety rose. I was getting irritable. I was getting slightly mean and snippy.

I was upset about the progress we made going down the drain because she decided she didn’t want to cooperate for anyone else and again, cutting a tooth didn’t help.

And during this time of her fussing and fighting even me on the going to sleep by herself, she slept in my bed at night for at least half the night, 3 days in a row. I felt even more defeated because I did what I needed to do to get sleep myself and not become resentful of the whole process. But it made me feel like I was giving up or setting myself back even further.

And now we are at the point where we are still trying to change the routine. Still trying to cut out the nursing to sleep, except in the middle of the night because she is usually still half asleep anyways.

I have also done my best to put her down still half awake for naps as well. I’m sticking to the 2-3 hour wake windows. I’m doing all the things I have seen recommended. Some days it is easy, some days she fights me. Sometimes she falls asleep eating and there isn’t much I can do about it. Some naps she sleeps for 20-30 minutes. Some naps she sleeps for an hour to an hour and a half. Some days we’re busy and her naps are in the car.

And I’m just settling with the fact that it is going to have to be okay. Our life is busy. And I can’t quit my job to stay home. At least not at this current moment.

I’m still struggling with being at work. Feeling like I am not available during the hours that my fiancé could use back up, or the hours that Kj prefers me. Struggling with the fact that I used to love my job and love being there. And although I love the content of my job, what I get to do for other women bringing their babies into this world, I in fact do not always love being there. There seem to be more days that I would rather be at home.

Not for the fact that I am wanting to be a lazy piece of crap and not help support my family. But because my priorities have changed. As much as I am still this strong, independent woman who loves bringing in her own funds financially, as well as having a working job, I just feel like being a mother is at the forefront of my brain right now.

If I could get paid for staying home, cleaning the house, making meals, and taking care of my daughter and our pets, I would jump on it. Which is again crazy because I have never been the housewife style gal.

But even something as simple as sleep training takes dedication and consistency that is hard to give as a working momma. And I’m learning that we’re all just doing the best we can.

*Emma